I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I only eat vegetarians.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
We cut our bangs at dawn.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
won’t smith
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Same pineapple, same
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!