Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Death certificates are our last participation award.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.