Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
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I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My background check bounced.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party