Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
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Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
sigh
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint