I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
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“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”