I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
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When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.