just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
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The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.