Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
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they finally got him. they got macavity
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Worst perfume name ever.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.