i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
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I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Not all heroes wear capes.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”