Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
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According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia