Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Sing it!
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.