son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
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She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.