If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.