A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
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my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.