I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
This is a sub tweet
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off