odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
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best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
my nickname in college
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
prepare for carbonated trouble
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.