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Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’