[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
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So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.