Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
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I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*