When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Seems kinda suspicious
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.