Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
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Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.