To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
You Might Also Like
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head