My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
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ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this