My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
The internet is magic sometimes.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.