*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
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Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.