computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like