Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
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And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.