I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
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Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!