Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
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Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Name this drama.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever