[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
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[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.