a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
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Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
The Backseat Boys
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
My birthstone is kidney
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one