I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.