waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
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sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
yeah 😭
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans