What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud