It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
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Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Catercrombie & Fish
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no