when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
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Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here