What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
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I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
What
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.