The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
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[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.