INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
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Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work