If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
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A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I’d use my best pan on you.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…