That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
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Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
We’ve all been there
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time