Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
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Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂