[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
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My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
this country is so goddamn polarized
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
⛄️
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.