“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.