Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
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*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Mad Max Arctic Road
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.