“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
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Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Cinematography is my passion
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.