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Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Fluff me with a fork baby
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”