If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
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*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Writing, She Murdered.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.