A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
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I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Not today, today.
Not today.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.