NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
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If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My zodiac sign is pistachio
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?